How to Discuss Your Child’s Future With Them

Introduction

As a tutor, I have firsthand experience with the difficulties in communication between parents and their children when discussing future goals and educational choices.

The weight of expectations and the fear of letting each other down can create immense pressure. However, I firmly believe there’s no ”wrong” path for children today—whether they’re choosing GCSEs, A-levels, or considering alternative routes outside of the traditional university track, as reported by Education Hub (2023).

This belief is grounded not just in my professional experience but also in my personal journey. I was fortunate to have parents who allowed me autonomy in my choices.

This freedom enabled me to pursue a diverse set of interests - from gymnastics to rock collecting - while fostering a deep love for mathematics and problem-solving. This has led me to a fulfilling start of a career in teaching, data science, and physics.

It’s important to recognise that discussions about your child’s future won’t be productive unless key elements in the relationship are addressed. Trust, or lack thereof, along with feelings of resentment, fear of being misunderstood, and fear of failure, can easily turn these conversations into arguments or lead to dishonest discussions.

To avoid this, it’s essential to first establish a strong foundation of trust and openness. By focusing on the following steps, you can create the right environment for meaningful conversations that will genuinely contribute to shaping a bright future for your child.

The Importance of Open Communication

Open communication between parents and children is crucial for discussing future goals and aspirations. Creating an environment where your child feels comfortable sharing their ideas, fears, and dreams is key to fostering a supportive relationship.

Research underscores the value of this open dialogue: A study by Maccoby and Martin (1983) highlights that the quality of parent-child communication significantly impacts a child’s emotional and social development.

Additionally, Grolnick and Pomerantz (2009) found that when children feel heard and respected, they are more likely to share their ambitions and be receptive to guidance. All of this research pinpoints an obvious truth that is unfortunately not considered by the majority of parents.

Conversely, poor communication or a lack of meaningful dialogue can lead to resentment and resistance, as children may react against perceived control or seek to assert their independence. Research by Brehm (1966) and Shen and Coles (2015) shows that individuals sometimes make significant life decisions in opposition to parental expectations - a phenomenon known as “reactance”.

This highlights the need for creating an environment where children feel supported and heard, rather than pressured. Remember, while maintaining your role as a supportive and guiding parent, it’s also valuable to share your own experiences and challenges as a way to build mutual understanding and trust.

Setting an Example

Children often look to their parents as role models. If you demonstrate a passion for your own hobbies and career, your child is more likely to appreciate the importance of following their interests.

For example, if you have a deep interest in niche activities like collecting rare books or playing a musical instrument, showing your child how these passions enrich your life can be incredibly inspiring.

This not only sets a positive example but also reinforces the idea that success can be found in many forms, not just through conventional 9-to-5 jobs. The traditional notion of a “respectable” job is evolving, especially with the rise of social media platforms like TikTok and YouTube, where individuals turn hobbies into lucrative careers (Kannan, 2023).

It is important to understand the generational differences that influence our perspectives. Even though the concept of generational divides, like Gen Alpha, Gen Z, and Boomers, can sometimes feel limiting, it’s helpful to acknowledge how workplace and career expectations have evolved (Society for Human Resource Management, 2024).

The figure below illustrates the shifting perceptions of employment through different generations as viewed by Forbes in 2024.

Understanding and Relating

It is also important to acknowledge that your ideals and ideas do not need to perfectly align with those of your child, as factors such as generational gaps can significantly affect your child’s viewpoint.

It is normal to have points of misunderstanding or disagreement. For instance, at family gatherings, we all often find that our perspectives on religion and politics clash with those of our family members. These differences can lead to debates and misunderstandings, yet they do not undermine the respect and support we have for each other.

Similarly, it is okay if your child’s interests and career choices differ from your own expectations. Supporting their choices, even when they diverge from your ideals, is crucial. It demonstrates that you value their autonomy and individuality.

By demonstrating that it’s okay to have different opinions and interests while still keeping a supportive relationship, you model the values of mutual respect and understanding for your child. This sets a powerful example of how to navigate differences with empathy.

Each time you discuss their future, take a moment to put yourself in their shoes—imagine what it’s like to be a child or teenager in 2024, facing their unique challenges and opportunities.

Respecting Autonomy

It’s essential to respect your child’s autonomy when it comes to their future. According to research by Deci and Ryan (2000) on self-determination theory, autonomy is a fundamental psychological need. 

When children feel in control of their own decisions, they tend to be more motivated and engaged. I experienced this firsthand - my parents never forced me to complete homework or pushed me into specific activities. 

Instead, they offered opportunities and allowed me the freedom to explore at my own pace. This sense of autonomy helped me develop responsibility and curiosity, traits I still carry in my professional life today. While granting autonomy can be challenging and requires trust, it often yields remarkable results, fostering independence and making your child more resilient to external influence.

The Evolving Job Market

The job market is changing rapidly, and the careers of tomorrow may look very different from those of today. As technology advances and new industries emerge, the traditional paths to success are no longer the only options.

The future workforce will require a diverse set of skills, many of which are not tied to conventional professions like law or engineering but are tied to soft skills and being a lifelong learner. There is a general consensus that the pressures of the changing world are hard to predict and prepare for and your linear paths to success might not work as well anymore Kannan (2023), Webb (2024), World Economic Forum (2023).

Encouraging your child to pursue their interests - no matter how niche - could lead to unexpected opportunities. For instance, careers in digital content creation, branding, and social media management are thriving, and they often start with hobbies or side projects.

Some of these directions; such as Machine Learning Engineer, Educational Content Creator, Cloud Engineer, Virtual Reality Engineer, App Designer and Ethical Hacker, are well paid and also technically complex.

Handling Failure and Encouraging Resilience

Failure is a natural part of life and learning, and how we respond to it can significantly impact our psychological well-being and future success.

Supporting your child through failures and teaching them how to handle setbacks is crucial for their development. The fear of failure can be overwhelming, but recognising that failure is a natural and essential part of the learning journey can help ease this anxiety.

I frequently observe that when a child struggles with a particular subject at school, parents may prematurely conclude that the child should abandon this subject as a career path or place undue blame on them for the failure.

Such reactions often stem from misunderstanding the nature of failure and its role in personal growth. It’s important to approach these situations with the perspective that failure is not an endpoint but a stepping stone to success and learning.

Overcoming the fear of failure can be a crucial aspect of your child’s development and transition into adulthood. Fear of failure is a prevalent psychological phenomenon, often stemming from concerns about negative evaluation and a desire to avoid embarrassment or a loss of self-esteem.

This fear can be particularly debilitating, potentially hindering individuals from taking risks or seizing new opportunities. Research indicates that individuals with a high fear of failure may shy away from challenging tasks, leading to increased anxiety and stress.

Table 1: Comparison between traditional and emerging career paths, including required A-level subjects for each career.

Moreover, examining statistics related to business startups reveals a high rate of failure, underscoring that resilience and an ability to accept and learn from failure are critical for long-term success.

According to research from both Stanford and Harvard, there’s at least one way to dramatically raise your chances of success – be on your second or third business. illustrating that persistence and adaptability are key traits among successful entrepreneurs.

Practical Steps for Parents

To have productive discussions about your child’s future and support their journey, here are some practical steps you can take:

Encourage Exploration

Offer your child a wide range of opportunities to explore different subjects and activities.

Introduce them to new experiences by visiting places like:

• Theatres
• Museums
• Art galleries
• Sports events

Support extracurricular activities that can help build their CV and personal experiences, such as:

• Volunteering programs
• Attending workshops
• Participating in academic Olympiads or competitions
• Involvement in sports tournaments

Help your child identify their interests and strengths by exposing them to diverse experiences and giving them the freedom to explore what resonates with them. 

Have Honest Conversations

Be open and transparent about the realities of different career paths, including both the opportunities and the challenges.

For example, if your child is interested in a career in media, discuss the evolving nature of the industry, job prospects, and the effort required to succeed.

Provide a balanced perspective by:

• Discussing the pros and cons of each option
• Avoiding the imposition of your expectations, allowing them to form their own opinions

Support Their Decisions

Once your child makes a decision, show your full support in practical ways.

For example, if they choose a career in design, help them find internships, workshops, or online courses to develop their skills.

Celebrate their achievements, whether big or small and offer guidance as needed to help them stay motivated.

Help Them Navigate Failure

Offer emotional support and encouragement when your child encounters setbacks or failures.

Help them find constructive ways to manage stress, such as taking up hobbies or physical activities.

Analyse the reasons behind failures together, and encourage problem-solving by:

• Identifying areas that need improvement, such as weaknesses in a specific subject.
• Discussing the attitude and motivation behind improving those areas. Can it be changed? Should it be?
• Monitoring extracurricular activities, social interactions and mental well-being to see if they are playing a part.

Seek external support if necessary, whether from:

• Online Tutoring for academic struggles.
• Family members or mentors in relevant fields.
• Dive into the area yourself to help your child to understand it better and provide some common ground.

Reinforce the idea that failure is part of the learning process and an opportunity for growth, not a reflection of their abilities. You may want to use the help of a professional tutor to help manage these peaks and troughs. Tutors are also well qualified to diagnose and manage the intellectual and motivational roadblocks appear for certain subjects. Check out the links below to chat with a qualified tutor on Sherpa today for their advice:

• GCSE English Tutor
• GCSE Maths Tutor
• GCSE Biology Tutor
• GCSE Physics Tutor
• GCSE Chemistry Tutor

They’ve seen it all before in a range of students - so you can make use of their expertise not just for boosting grades, but for their insight into your child’s academic work to determine from a number of factors if it’s something that their heart just isn’t in it. That’s often the case and better something you find out sooner rather than later. 

Create a Realistic Plan Together

Work with your child to create a concrete plan to achieve their goals, breaking it down into manageable steps.

Help them focus on practical milestones such as:

• Applying for specific programs or internships
• Gaining relevant work experience
• Setting short- and long-term goals

Reassure them that uncertainty is normal and encourage them to stay flexible. Regularly review and adjust the plan as necessary.

Consider using a Gantt chart or a visual timeline to map out their path, marking key milestones and tasks to be completed over time.

Figure 2: Example of Annual Goal Setting and Activity Scheduling

References

• Brehm, J. W. (1966). A theory of psychological reactance. Academic Press. Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behaviour. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227-268.
• Education Hub. (2023).  Alternatives to a-levels and university: What you need to know.  Retrieved 2024-09-11, from 
• Grolnick, W. S., & Pomerantz, E. M. (2009). Issues and challenges in studying parental control: Toward a new conceptualization. Child Development Perspectives, 3(3), 165-170.
• Kannan, H. (2023, July). Thriving in the ever-changing job market. AACSB Insights. (Accessed: 2024-09-11)
• Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). Socialization in the context of the family: Parent-child interaction (Vol. 4; P. H. Mussen, Ed.). Wiley.
• Shen, L., & Coles, V. B. (2015). Fear and psychological reactance: Between- ver- sus within-individuals perspectives. Journal of Media Psychology, 27 (4), 176–186. doi: 10.1027/2151-2604/a000224
• Society for Human Resource Management. (2024). Stressed, indebted, idealistic: Generation z pushes into the workforce. (Accessed: 2024-09-11)
• Webb, L. (2024, September). Navigating the evolving job market. (Accessed: 2024-09-11)
• World Economic Forum. (2023, May). The future of jobs report 2023: Key skills to thrive in the next decade. (Accessed: 2024-09-11)